Dear Perplexed,
You asked how to help your daughter start the new school year. She feels things strongly and she doesn’t like change. She loved her second grade teacher, and you’re hoping she’ll enjoy third grade too. And then, to add to the mix, you’re not sure whether you regret her return to school or are ready to be rid of her.
First, congratulations on recognizing your ambivalence about your daughter’s return to school. You’re relieved to send her back to the teachers. You’re tired of organizing summer camps and play dates. Thank God you get your own schedule back. But you’ll also miss those lazy, timeless afternoons cozying up together with a book, the scent of her hair and warmth of her body. You know such closeness won’t last forever. One of these years, she’ll outgrow dreamy “mommy time.” You feel you should savor every second, even as you can’t wait till she’s back at school.
Your honesty is a great relief to your daughter. You’re helping her start the new year strong. Listening to your own mixed feelings makes it easier to listen to hers. She might miss her old teacher or a friend who’s placed in the other class or summertime freedom. But if you keep listening, you’ll also likely hear pride about moving up in the grade school hierarchy, excitement about what’ll she’ll learn, and relief to get back with her peers.
Listening to your daughter’s mixed feelings is a gift. I tell kids that their feelings are like a multi-flavored ice cream cone. Some flavors they’ll like more than others, and some they’ll hate. So listen, but resist the urge to reassure or problem-solve. This teaches your daughter that all feelings are bearable. Then express confidence in her ability to handle third grade. She might be sad about losses, and yes, she might be nervous, but in the end, she’ll be proud of this growing-up step.
The new school year is also a natural time for her to take a grown-up step at home. Review together what she’s in charge of, what you do together, and what you still do for her. It’s time to “level up.” To decide what she should add, think back on your power struggles. Has it been over clothing choices, or getting through the morning routine on-time, or working on that book report? Rough patches usually hint at the task you’ve been holding on to, a task she’s ready to take on herself. For example, maybe you hound her through the morning routine, but could teach her to follow a clock instead.
Growing children can also assume new jobs. Perhaps she could pack lunch. Of course, you’ll have to teach kitchen skills, and provide access to tools and food. Then you’ll fret: maybe, if she learns to make lunch, you won’t be as close. She won’t need you in the old ways. But you’ll also be proud to have raised a daughter who can take care of herself. She’ll use your confidence in her as a life-long resource. And you’ll find more mature ways to enjoy closeness. Over time, your relationship becomes more a partnership around feelings, thoughts and problems. You’ll be someone with whom she can reflect on her new world of school and friends, the world that belongs to her.
When helping your daughter take on a new responsibility, remember to go step-wise. Parents often skip this crucial intermediate step—standing by to admire. This step pays off in the end. It helps her internalize the admiring, loving parent and become an admiring, loving parent to herself. Independence won’t pitch her into the lonely abyss. You might still hang out in the kitchen, companionably working together on your separate projects. You might notice that her sandwiches don’t look like yours, but so what? She won’t starve. You might ask, “Was it fun to make your own lunch?” It’s a subtle shift from ”I’m so proud that you made your own lunch.” The shift matters, because the pride and pleasure is in your daughter. That’s the best recipe for becoming an “I can do” person.
Of course, in real life, it’s never easy. But I wanted to pass on a perspective I’ve found useful. If you’re still struggling with “back to school” and how to help your daughter take growing-up steps, remember that hidden feelings and motivations derail the best-laid conscious plans. When a child resists a growing-up step, you’re probably both resisting your feelings about growth and change. These feelings can guide you each to self-knowledge.
Thoughtfully yours,
Dr. Miriam